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Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I Am Better Than Your Kids!

This is an oldie but a classic. I was going through some old emails when I came across this. It brought tears of mirth and laughter to my eyes as I read and reread it over and over again! The comments on the fire engine are particularly good! I thought I would share it with everyone. Hope you enjoy too!

Sorry about the white space between the writing and the tables. Everything looks good in the preview, and the html is correct, but it shows up with this huge amount of white space which I can not eliminate. Maybe some HTML expert can diagnose the problem and suggest a solution to me!

Warning: Contains mild profanity throughout.

I am better than your kids.

If you work in an office with lots of people, chances are that you work with a person who hangs pictures up that their kids have drawn. The pictures are always of some stupid flower or a tree with wheels. These pictures suck; I could draw pictures much better. In fact, I can spell, do math and run faster than your kids. So being that my skills are obviously superior to those of your children, I've taken the liberty to judge art work done by other kids on the internet. I'll be assigning a grade A through F for each piece:

Megan, age 4
First of all, I don't even know what this is. If it's supposed to be a dog, then it's the shittiest dog I've ever seen. F

Kyle, age 8
You spelled America wrong asshole. Also, I could have sworn America's colors were red, white and blue. There's no yellow anywhere, traitor.F

Lisa, age 6
I almost had a seizure when I saw this one. Three words: too many colors. Also, eggs aren't supposed to have ears, dipshit.F

Cameron, age 4
Terrible. F

Bryce, age 10
This one wouldn't be too bad if the color was kept inside the lines, if you picked a new perspective, used non-abrasive colors and asked someone with talent to paint it for you. On one hand I want to give an A for effort but... F

I can't believe how much I rule. More crappy children's art work:

Jon, age 8
Ding Ding! Here comes the shit-mobile. I've never seen a fire truck that needed to be shaved. I would rather be burned to death than be saved by this hairy piece of shit. F

Rachel, age 7
That's interesting, everyone in this picture is white. Even the rainbow is white. Perhaps in an ideal world, everyone would be white isn't that right, Rachel? Or should I call you RACIST? Nice try, Hitler. F

Jason, age 6
This one would receive an "A" if the assignment was to throw as much random shit onto a paper as poorly as you can. I've pissed patterns on snow that look more coherent than this. F

Seth, age 4
Vrrrroooooooooooommmmmm! F

Kelly, age 9
This was a Christmas gift from Kelly to her parents. Good job Kelly, now pack up your shit and find a foster home. If my kids tried to pass this off as a gift, they'd come home from school and find all their shit outside in a box. What a lousy gift, seriously. You give them video games and toys, and they give you some half-assed drawing with a crooked tree. I wonder how much a gift like this would set someone back. Five, maybe ten minutes to find a napkin and some markers? F

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Please don't plagiarize Maddox. Please give a proper link back

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