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Thursday, March 11, 2010

A Humorous Look At Employee Performance Evaluations

If you are like me, your annual performance evaluations got done in the past few weeks or will be done within the next couple of weeks. In the spirit of the "Annual Performance Evaluation" season, here are a few humorous tidbits about performance evaluations. The last one is a long-forgotten gem that always get me chuckling!
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These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations at a large US Corporation.

(1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig."

(2) "His men would follow him anywhere...but only out of morbid curiosity."

(3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

(4) "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."

(5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

(6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

(7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

(8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

(9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

(10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

(11) "This employee should go far...and the sooner he starts, the better."

(12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

(13) "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

(14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

(15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

(16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

(17) "He's been working with glue too much."

(18) "He would argue with a signpost."

(19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

(20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

(21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

(22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored...he's the other one."

(23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

(24) "A prime candidate for natural deselection."

(25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

(26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

(27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

(28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

(29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

(30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."

(31) "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

(32) "One neuron short of a synapse."

(33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

(34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

(35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
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The dictionary of performance evaluations terms

AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass.
WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURSES WELL: Delagates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make him/her feel appreciated.
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GUIDE TO EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE APPRAISAL

How do you rate?

Performance Factor

Performance Degrees

Far Exceeds Job Requirements

Exceeds Job Requirements

Meets Job Requirements

Needs Some Improvement

Does Not Meet Minimum Job Requirements

QUALITY

Leaps tall buildings with a single bound

Must take a running start to leap over tall buildings

Can leap over short buildings only

Crashes into buildings when attempting to jump over them

Cannot recognize buildings at all

TIMELINESS

Is faster than a speeding bullet

Is as fast as a speeding bullet

Not quite as fast as a speeding bullet

Would you believe a slow bullet?

Wounds self with bullets when attempts to fire

INITIATIVE

Is stronger than a locomotive

Is stronger than a bull elephant

Is stronger than a bull

Shoots the bull

Smells like a bull

ABILITY

Walks on water consistently

Walks on water in emergencies

Washes with water

Drinks water

Passes water in emergencies

COMMUNICATION

Talks with God

Talks with the angels

Talks to himself

Argues with himself

Loses those arguments

Submitted by Dr. Jay Pasachoff, Hale Observatories, California Institute of Technology, Pasadena, California

Source: The Best of the Journal of Irreproducible Results, Edited by Dr. George H. Scherr © 1983
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4 comments:

michael said...

Hi

I read this post two times.

I like it so much, please try to keep posting.

Let me introduce other material that may be good for our community.

Source: Staff performance evaluation

Best regards
Henry

Blogannath said...

Thank you for your comment. I will certainly try to put something together in time for the next annual performance review season coming up soon!

hton said...

Hi

I read this post two times.

I like it so much, please try to keep posting.

Let me introduce other material that may be good for our community.

Source: Free performance appraisal ebooks

Best regards
Henry

sonia mehata said...

There are many software out there but Activity management software & project resource management tools are in high demand since it helps a lot in tracking the regular activities of the employees. Visit here smartmanager.com.qa

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