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Thursday, April 1, 2010

Some Tax Humor To Start The Tax Month Off Right!

The duty to pay taxes can bring a headache to even the most prepared person. In honor of the rapidly-approaching tax-day, here are a few tax-related quotes to give you a laugh! Enjoy!!

In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes.

-- Benjamin Franklin

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the Income Tax.

-- Albert Einstein

It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.

-- Dave Barry

If you get up early, work late, and pay your taxes, you will get ahead -- if you strike oil.

-- J. Paul Getty

I shall never use profanity except in discussing house rent and taxes . . .

-- Mark Twain

There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that becoming taxpayers won't cure.

-- Dan Bennett

The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.

-- Sam Ewing

I love America, but I can't spend the whole year here. I can't afford the taxes.

-- Mick Jagger

Abracadabra, thus we learn the more you create, the less you earn. The less you earn, the more you're given, the less you lead, the more you're driven, the more destroyed, the more they feed, the more you pay, the more they need, the more you earn, the less you keep, And now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to take, if the tax-collector hasn't got it before I wake.

-- Ogden Nash

Suggested simplified tax form: How much money did you make last year? Mail it in.

-- Stanton Delaplane

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.

-- Will Rogers

On my income tax [Form] 1040 it says "Check this box if you are blind." I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.

-- Tom Lehrer

Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag.

-- Jay Leno

You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified," which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears tax preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last names. . . . The IRS wants you to use the short form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form.

-- Dave Barry

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

-- Paula Poundstone

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

-- Robert Orben

Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.

H.L. Mencken

I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is -- I could be just as proud for half the money.

Arthur Godfrey

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.

-- John Maynard Keynes

When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case Heaven is like the IRS.

-- A Bumper Sticker

Tax Returns Prepared - Honest Mistakes Are Our Specialty.

-- A Window Sign in Chicago

I am unable to find an attribution for the following one-liners. Please feel free to provide an attribution using the comments at the bottom of this post if you find a definitive source for any of these one-liners!

It would be nice if we could all pay our taxes with a smile, but normally cash is required.

America is the land of opportunity. Everyone can become a taxpayer.

A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait until income tax time.

Taxes: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an automatic extension.

There's one consolation about life and taxes - when you finish the former, you're through with the latter.

People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men and women.

Noah must have taken into the Ark two taxes, one male and one female. And did they multiply bountifully! Next to guinea pigs, taxes must have been the most prolific animals.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

A lot of people still have the first dollar they ever made. Uncle Sam has all the others.

President Herbert Hoover was the first President to give his salary back to the government.
Now the government would like everyone to do it.

Doing your own income tax return is a lot like a do-it-yourself mugging.

Income tax forms should be printed on Kleenex because so many of us have to pay through the nose.

Isn't it appropriate that the month when the taxes are due begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of "May Day!"?

A political promise today means another tax tomorrow.

Americans are now in a daze from intaxication.

The tax collectors take up so much of your earnings to balance the budget that you just can't budget the balance.

Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.

There is no child so bad that he/she can't be used as an income tax deduction.

Congress thinks it's a lot easier to trim the taxpayers than expenses.

The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is not to do away with them, but to hide them better.

Congress has the unsolved problem of how to get the people to pay taxes they can't afford for services they don't need.

It is reported that the politicians in Washington are thinking of abolishing the income tax and taking the income.

When Congress tries to decide between two new taxes, it's like a woman deciding between two dresses - she usually decides to take both.

The best tax law is the one that gets the most feathers with the least squawking.

Take a look at your tax bills and you'll quit calling them "cheap politicians."

Our government really takes care of us. They even give us free income tax forms.

One of the great blessings about living in a democracy is that we have complete control over how we pay our taxes . . . cash, check or money order.

In Russia the people have only what the government gives them; in America the people have only what the government does not take away from them in taxes.

No enemy nation could risk invading the United States. It couldn't afford the high taxes.

The rich and the poor are alike. They both complain about taxes.

The wealth of experience is one possession that hasn't been taxed . . . yet.

Thinking is one thing that no one has ever been able to tax - but the IRS is getting jealous about the situation.

Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf.

It's strange how a person with no sense of humor can come up with such funny answers on his/her tax return.

When making out your tax return, it's better to give than to deceive.

About the time a man is cured of swearing, another income tax is due.

Nothing has done more to stimulate the writing of fiction than the itemized deduction section of the income-tax forms.

George Washington never told a lie, but then he never had to file a Form 1040.

Income taxes are not so bad and certainly could be worse. Suppose we had to pay on what we think we are worth?

No stretch of the imagination is as complete as the one used in filling out income-tax forms.

Come to think of it, these income-tax forms leave little to the imagination and even less to the taxpayer.

Just thinking about income taxes often taxes the mind - which is something people once said the IRS couldn't do.

There is no tax on brains; the take would be too small.

It is difficult to predict the future of an economy in which it takes more brains to figure out the tax on our income than it does to earn it.

A man's home is his castle. At least that's how he feels when he pays taxes on it.

Don't you long for the good old days when Uncle Sam lived within his income and without most of yours?

It's too bad for the middle income person. They earn too much to avoid paying taxes and make too little to afford paying them.

A serious impediment to a successful marriage these days is the difficulty of supporting both the government and a spouse on one small income.

Behind every successful man stands a woman and the IRS. One takes the credit, and the other takes the cash.

The average man now lives thirty-one years longer than he did in 1850. He has to, in order to get his taxes paid.

It has almost reached the point where, if a person takes a day off, he falls behind in his income-tax payments.

The best things in life are free - plus tax, of course.

The best things in life are still free, but the tax experts are working overtime on the problem.

Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth - less 40 percent inheritance tax.

A dime is a dollar with all the various taxes deducted.

Being a success today means the government takes away in taxes what you used to dream of earning.

An American can consider himself a success when it costs him more to support the government than to support a family.

Patrick Henry ought to come back and see what taxation with representation is like.

Another difference between death and taxes is that death is frequently painless.

You really can't beat the game. If you earn anything, it's minus taxes. If you buy anything it's plus taxes.

We wonder why they call them "tax returns" when so little of it does.

No matter how staggering the taxes, they never fall down.

The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, your accountant gets your money.

Even if money could bring happiness, think what the luxury tax would be!

The reward for saving your money is being able to pay your taxes without borrowing.

A tax-dodger is a man who does not love his country less, but loves his money more.

Everything we have is taxed - even our patience.

A man pays a luxury tax on a leather billfold, an income tax on the stuff he puts into it, and a sales tax when he takes the stuffing out of it.

A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for doing something right.

Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells: "THEIRS"?

Here are some very short tax jokes to entertain you!

Q: What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
A: Someone who has a loophole named after him.

Q: Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?
A: Because for every $50 that you earn, you get $10 and they get $40.

And here are a few longer ones!

A man's letter to the IRS:

"I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and now enclose a cheque for $1,500. If I still can't sleep, I will send you the rest."
The latest income-tax form has been greatly simplified. It consists of only three parts:

1. How much did you make last year?
2. How much do you have left?
3. Send amount listed in part 2.
A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the funds.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to the president, who was so touched and amused that he had his secretary send the boy a $5 bill.

The boy's response:

Dear God. Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those (expletives deleted) deducted $95.
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time - weightlifters, strongmen, etc. - but no one could do it. One day a scrawny little man came into the bar wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, what?"

The man replied, "I'm an IRS Agent."


Susan Dan said...

it has very important issue when duty to pay taxes can bring a headache. i had agreed with Benjamin Franklin here are a few tax-related quotes to give you a laugh too no doubt about that.

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Nina Athena said...

Very entertaining and useful, and make sense at the same time! Thank you for sharing this information! This is very informative and helpful, as this can give us better insights in managing finance. Would love to see more updates from you.

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Nina Athena said...

I have read your articles many times and I am always inspired by your tips and knowledge. Thank you for sharing. I would love to see more updates from you.

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